This Woman's Life

New Years Resolutions

2011-01-01T09:41:00.000-08:00

OK, so its that time of year again. Its time to make some resolutions for the new year. Usually, I make resolutions that typically involve myself doing or starting something. This year I have a few things I would like to start doing but, mostly, my resolutions involve me stopping doing a lot of things.

In the last couple months, I have had an image in my head of myself about 40 years from now. Im sitting in a chair and I am crying because I am so incredibly angry at myself. I am so angry because I am realizing how much time and emotion I wasted over so many, many years when I could have just been happy instead. I am remembering so many days where the only thing I could think of was what should I eat next, what am I going to wear that will hide my fat, does the house look perfect for the company about to arrive? And so on and so on and so on.

I really dont want to be that pissed off old lady. I want to "get it" now, not when Im 75 and only have a handful of years left to make up for the shitty ones in the past. You know?
So here are a few things I want to stop doing;

1) I really need to quit giving so much power to others, especially totally strangers, when it comes to my physical self and appearance. I spend (waste) so much time putting together an outfit every morning that I think will hide as many of my imperfections as possible and, of course, I still wind up totally unsatisfied. Its time to quit that! I need to allow myself the right to look in the mirror and just be happy with whats looking back at me and to tell myself, "who gives a shit what the checker at Ralph's thinks?". I need to find the frame of mind that lets me be comfortable in my own skin, even if there might be a tad too much of it. Yes, starting tomorrow, I will be going back on my Lindora diet but all along the way its time to start accepting myself for what I am each and every day. Some days Im gonna look good and other days Im not. Thats just how it goes.

2) When it comes to the boys, I have got to learn to quit questioning every choice I make and to stop feeling so damn guilty all the time. My new mantra needs to be "I am NOT Supermom!". So fucking what if the veggie burger they are eating is on a white bun? So what if they have chicken nuggets for lunch with no veggies? Are their heads really going to explode if they watch a bunch of T.V. on a rainy day? Its alright that I didn't spend the whole damn day entertaining them with educational activities. I need to start giving myself some major credit for the thing I do do. I tell my boys several times a day and everyday that I love them and I give out kisses and hugs all the time. Thats not something I was raised with and I always said that I would change that when I was a mother and I have and I should feel good and be proud of that.
(**Mom and Dad, I know you love me and feel very loved)
I make them laugh all the time, I play with them and slide with them and run with them when we got to the park, I cook kick ass food, I bathe them (often), I keep them in clean clothes, I kiss their ouchies, I tickle them until they laugh so hard they pee their pants, I make sure they spend lots of time with their Grandparents, we go to Disneyland, at least, 15 times a year, and I read them stories and pray with them every night before they go to sleep. Those are the things I need to think about when I lay down at the end of the day.

3) Its time to stop it with all this perfectionism shit! For as long as I can remember I have been a perfectionist. Even as a little girl. Im not saying I have been perfect but I try really fucking hard and I swear its going to kill me one of these days if I dont stop now. Again, "I am NOT Supermom". And Im not Superwoman either. Something has got to give. I need to let go of all the demands that society and myself put on me to be this perfect woman, wife, and mother. I cannot be her, and I choose not to be her! I need to give myself permission to make mistakes and then I need to just allow them to be and then move on. I do not need to make myself feel like shit about it all day long. I am human. I am not a robot. I do not know everything. I always do my best. Thats the best I can do. Thats all I can expect. Anymore than that and I start getting all freaked out and stressed. Jesus Christ, Annie, chill out and give yourself a break now and then!! Life is too damn short. I dont even know how I am already 34. When the hell did that happen?

4) Cleaning up the house and putting shit away can no longer mean throwing whatever into whatever closet or drawer and then closing it before everything comes tumbling out at me. Organization has got to become the new way in this house hold and in my life. Each day, until its complete, I am going to go through each closet, each drawer, and each cupboard and organize the crap out of it. I have already done the refrigerator, the pantry, and the master bedroom closet. This also includes getting rid of the things we don't use and the things we don't need. This house feels filled to the brim with shit we just don't need and my head is starting to spin trying to figure out what to do with it all. This also means its time to start making weekly meal menus and posting them on a family white board, streamlining my grocery shopping, making a daily schedule for me and the household chores I am responsible for and getting the boys to start pitching in and taking on some chores of their own. This house is going to become a well oiled machine DAMN IT!

So there ya go. A bunch of ramblings from someone who wants to STOP doing things in the new year. Maybe I should print this and post it somewhere that I can see each day so I dont forget. I hope you all have a good new year too.

I Dont Care!

2010-12-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

You know what I wish? I wish for a bunch of things, actually, but there are a few things that I REALLY want.

1) I wish I could just stop caring SO DAMN MUCH about what I fucking look like. Im exhausted by it. I am, quite literally, obsessed with it. It is only getting worse. Man, I thought it was bad in high school. Its a million times worse today. After countless diets, obsessive exercising, and even weight loss surgery I just cant seem to let it go. I want so badly to be free of it. I just dont want to care anymore. I dont want to be 80 years old and furious with myself for wasting so much God damn time, money, emotions, and tears on my fucking weight! **By the way, since I have stopped drinking my (already major) need to use bad language has only gotten worse, so sorry. Dont worry, God wont get mad at you for reading it **
But how does one go about this after caring about something SO MUCH for so long? Do I just wake up one morning and just keep telling myself over and over that I dont give a shit and when I catch myself doing it I tell myself some more to stop giving a shit? Do I have to make NOT caring so much a new habit?
I just want to get dressed and not have that be one of the hardest and time consuming decisions of my day. I want to look in the mirror and NOT have the instant reaction to start crying. This cant be normal, right? Is this how other people deal with getting dressed every morning? With dread and self loathing? I mean, what the fuck!!?? Why am I such a freak? The logical side of me knows that most of the people I come across with on a daily basis dont care. They aren't looking at me and saying to themselves, "Geeeez, she is such a fat ass!." At least, I hope they aren't. So if other people dont care and the important people in my life; husband, parents, close friends dont care and love me no matter what I look like THEN WHAT IS THE BIG FUCKING DEAL???????!!!!!!!!!! So here is another wish: 2) I wish for some sort of step by step plan or program on how to stop caring and how to be happy and excepting of who I am... anyone know of one?

FOOD!!!!!

2010-08-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

I know its been about a million years since I last updated my blog. Sorry about that. Anyway, whats new, you ask? Im on another fucking diet and this time it does not include any of my favorite food... not even a bite. Im doing the Lindora program. Its a high protein and low carb diet. Your supposed to be in ketosis all the time too. Thats when your body is burning its own fat stores, as opposed to the carbs you are eating. Its hard. More hard than I can even begin to describe to you but something very strange is happening (and Im being serious); for some reason I cant bring myself to just quit. I cant decide if its because I have invested 2 weeks and a shit load of tears into this diet and Im at the end of my 2nd day of my 3rd week and have lost 11 pounds and an inch in my waist OR is it because I am punishing myself for having let myself gain so much of my weight back that the only way I will actually lose any of it is to torture myself??????
I am experiencing an extremely intense withdrawal from food... and my beloved wine as well. I am hurtin'! I am missing my long lost friends.

Obsessed!

2010-05-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

OK, Its officially official; I am obsessed with weight loss, what I will and will not consume, working out, my body etc, etc...
No matter how hard I try and no matter what sort of motivational speech I give to myself, I can not stay away from the bathroom scale. I suppose this wouldn't be such a bad thing if it didn't deliver such horrible news 99% of the time I got on it and then I spend the rest of the day feeling like total shit.
I cant stop thinking about food either. What should I eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Should I skip a meal? Should I have a snack? How about an apple or maybe some cheese and crackers? And, of course, every time I put something in my mouth (no matter what it is) I feel absolute guilt.
And now I am starting to feel it spread to my workouts too. Typically, until recently, I can just barely get myself to stay for an hour and now I feel terrible if I cant find the time to stay for 2. And, boy, what I wouldn't give to have 3 or 4 hours. And I workout hard. I go fast, hard, and I sweat like a maniac. Im not messing around.
Basically, this has all started to completely consume me and my (almost) every thought.
Im starting to think I might just have a problem with OCD...hmmmm, what do you think?

"Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is an anxiety disorder characterized by uncontrollable, unwanted thoughts and repetitive, ritualized behaviors you feel compelled to perform. If you have OCD, you probably recognize that your obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors are irrational – but even so, you feel unable to resist them and break free."

You know what else totally sucks? In order to see any results on the scale, I have to work out practically 7 days a week (super hard) and eat just about nothing all day long. And then, if I do eat something even slightly "non-diet" all the weight comes right back... what the fuuuuuuuck!!!!!?????

Things Are Looking Up

2010-03-31T14:40:00.000-07:00

Im sure that, based on my last post, you all think I have dropped all my kids off at the nearest Fire station. Well, I am happy to report that I have not done that nor have I run away to some secret location. Actually, I am doing extremely better these days. As my Mom would say, "Things are looking up".

First, there was the trip to Washington to visit my dear friend Kim. And I got to see my gorgeous nieces too. I spent 3 days without the kids and, might I say, it was absolutely amazing. No one needed me for ANYTHING. I stayed up late, talking for hours with Kim and then slept in until I was good and ready to get up. It felt so wonderful. I even enjoyed the plane rides. I was so afraid that 3 days was not going to be enough. When I got on the plane to leave for Washington I was way beyond the end of my rope. I was tired, grouchy, and exhausted from my life as Mom. I wanted to escape so badly that I actually started crying during lift off because I was just so relieved to be getting away. But then I closed my eyes and I asked God to give me the best weekend away ever. I asked to, please, let me be ready to come home on Monday because I need a change of attitude BADLY. So, when Monday came, even though I still wanted to stay and keep having fun with Kim, I was (quite surprisingly) very excited to see my boys again and not dreading it like I thought I was going to be. I really felt like that was the first prayer that has been answered for me in a very, very long time. Not because God doesn't answer prayers but because I haven't been praying. And I am happy to say that many more prayers have been answered since.

Not only did I play a lot in Washington, I did a lot of serious thinking. What led me to feel the way I did when I got on that plane? How had I let myself get that unhappy with my kids and my life as a stay-at-home Mom? What was I going to do to fix this? How was I going to make things better? What do I need?

Well, since I have been back, I have been making some changes that may seem small but have been making some HUGE effects in my life:

1) I made the decision to not continue on for another term as President for my MOMS Club. I need to allow myself to focus on my family and me and thats pretty much it right now. Obviously, Im not the sort of person who deals well with having lots and lots of stuff on my plate. Its time I figure that out about myself and just accept it. Not only is it bad for me but its bad for the boys and Paymaan too when I am stressed out and trying to deal with too much. I need to keep the peace and thats going to mean not overloading myself with stuff to do. The truth it, when I first started staying at home was also when Paymaan and I moved to Corona so I didn't know a single person here. Joining MOMS Club practically saved my life and because of it I have many, many friends here now and so do the boys. So, Im not the same mom I was back then. Not to mention, I only had one child at the time. Now I have 3 kids and a lot of stuff to do so its very hard to get out and do things with the Club like I once did. Its hard enough to put together a play-date with just one girlfriend and her kids. I need to come to terms with the fact that even though MOMS Club played a HUGE role in my life, it no longer does and its ok to not go to every event or every park day. Life with 3 is a whole other world away from when it was just me and Jack.

2)Im going to officially start trying out churches and really start nurturing a relationship with God. I know that I have a lot of friends who will read that and be so happy to hear it but I also recognize that some of you are going to be totally weirded out by that. Its OK, it is a little weird but it just has been feeling so right so I am going to just go with it. I plan on going to church with my Dad for Easter Sunday services in a few days. That will be the first time I have gone to church in about 17 years!

3)I am going to put ME on my priorities list. I know and understand that, as a stay-at-home Mom, my job is to take care of my children and to also take on many of the household chores but I need to also know and understand that the only way I am going to be able to do that well is to take care of myself and some of my own needs too. For instance, three days ago, for the FIRST time, I left Charlie and Max with someone other than a very close friend or relative. Now, to you, this may not sound like much but for me, what I did was MAJOR! I dropped them of at the Kids Club at my gym while I went and worked out for an hour and a half!!!!!!! And the crazy thing is that they did GREAT!!!!!! I was so worried that they were going to scream and cry and make it impossible but they didn't. In fact, they had such a good time that I took them again on Tuesday. I was able to get my workout done early on in the day, which was awesome, and I was able to get some "me time" and all the while the boys were able to get out of the house and were just feet away from me having fun and running around like crazy people. I plan on doing this about 3 times a week from now on. Like I said, it seems like small changes but the impact that had has been huge for me. It really made my day and, I think too, their day better.

4)I need to stop and play. I place so much importance on a clean home (and all the stuff in it) that I never stop to run around outside or sit on the floor and play with my kids. What is the point of staying at home with them if I don't spend any quality time with them? I might as well send them to day care and go back to work, seriously. Since I have been back from Washington I have been making a very conscious effort to stop what I am doing or put on hold a chore I had planned to get done to, instead, play with my kids. Several times one of the boys have stopped and said how much fun they were having and that made me feel so good.

So, thats what I've got so far but I have some more ideas on the back burner too. I am really trying to make life as good as I can for me and my family. Im sick of it sucking all the time!

Is It Possible To Enjoy Mother-hood Ever Again?

2010-03-08T12:12:00.000-08:00

I am going to be perfectly and painfully honest with you all and admit to something that is really upsetting me, I pretty much cant stand taking care of my kids anymore. I know, I know... what a terrible thing to say. Trust me, its a shitty feeling to have. I am not proud of it.

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day? Thats what I feel like, except Im not trying to make some beautiful women fall in love with me day after day; I am trying to raise 3 little boys in the midst of total chaos. The craziness that envelops my whole day has taken its toll on me and I don't know how to fix it. It all starts very early EVERY day.

There is always a child crying about something and/or pulling on my clothes. There is crying, wining, screaming, urine, poop, snot, drool, dirty dishes, laundry, vacuuming, mopping, dirty toilets, hitting, biting, self- doubt, talking back, stupid cartoons, video games, homework, grades, cat box, stupid teachers, no money, cooking, waking up throughout the night, vomit, disrespect, rudeness, loud noises, high pitched squeals, pulling hair, antagonizing, depression, bullying, fighting, wrestling, blood, injuries, broken toys, stained carpets, total frustration, frazzled trips to the grocery store or anywhere for that matter, complaining, sharpies on the wall, dog hair all over, yelling, messes to clean that I didn't make, no time to shower, impatience, too tired to have sex, tattle-telling, scratching, messy playroom, food all over the floor, cant go out to eat, complete exhaustion, trips to the E.R., wet beds, broken appliances, no traveling, anger, regret etc, etc... I am sure I could make this list a mile long. Basically, the only time I feel like I can actually breath and think straight is when the boys nap and/or go to bed at night. What does that tell you? Is tells you that the only time of my day that I feel somewhat normal is when I am NOT with my children. Im sorry, but that just cant be good.

This may be hard to believe but despite this list, I do actually love my children with all my heart but Im not so sure that being a Mother is as wonderful and fulfilling as I was sure it was going to be. And I am quite certain that I am not as good at it as I also thought I would have been. I know what you are thinking because its the same thing I think everyday..."what a selfish bitch", "get over it", "your the one who had 3 kids", "try and stay positive", "it will get easier", "quit bitching" etc, etc....

Why didn't I jump on a plane the day I turned 18 and run off to Europe or Africa or some place wonderful and exciting? Why didn't I join the peace corp and build houses and irrigation systems in places like Mali? Why didn't I explore the world and have more adventures? But the thing is, even if I had done those things, does that mean that I would be able to handle all this shit and enjoy it too? Would it REALLY have changed anything? Maybe I need to come to terms with the fact that maybe I just shouldn't have had any children. That Im not cut out for it. I have no idea what I am doing 99% of the time as it is. And as nice as I try to be to my children, Im afraid that someday they will look into my eyes and see the truth. Im afraid that they will feel unwanted. So I try. I try so hard to make them feel loved and wanted and important. I want them to be happy, successful, smart, and to feel like they have a good life. But, I really am beginning to feel like I have no idea how to do this for them. How do you teach a child how to be a happy person when you aren't even happy yourself?

I have plans to go out of town in 4 days. I will be going ALL BY MYSELF to visit a close friend of mine up in Washington. I leave first thing on a Friday morning and get back the following Monday morning. The only time I have ever left for any sort of extended time was when my Grandfather had a heart attack back when Jack was about 18 months old. My Mother and I went to see him over a period of 2 days. So, not only was it not a "Fun" trip but I only had one kid... there wasn't as much stress for me to be getting away from. I am looking forward to this more than I can even begin to describe. I am even looking forward to the plane ride because its going to be quiet and I wont have to care for anyone but myself. I can order something to drink without worrying if it will wind up all over my lap and will be able to actually read a book. I am really needing this trip to re-energize me. I need to sleep and I need to NOT have so many little people needing me every waking moment. I need some silence in my head. I am really, really hoping that I will be able to come back home feeling somewhat refreshed and ready to deal with my children again.

I want to enjoy being a Mother. I want to actually want to spend time with my children without feeling completely overwhelmed the whole time. But, is this even possible?

A Closet Foodie

2010-02-01T19:41:00.000-08:00

Of all the things that I have developed a talent for, AFTER my weight loss surgery, it's cooking. I love to cook; I'm not talking about making spaghetti, grilled cheese sandwiches, or scrambled eggs. I love to cook food that makes the whole house smell like heaven. I love to cook food that makes you have to close your eyes while you enjoy your first bite. I love to cook food that makes you feel better after you eat it. I love to cook food that makes someone say WOW when they look into the pot. Its funny, to me, that I truly began to love and enjoy food after getting my gastric bypass. I think its because that before surgery, I would just shove whatever I could into my mouth and I would hardly taste it before I was on to shoving down the next bite. But I cant do that now. I am forced to eat slowly and in much, much smaller portions. I actually taste and savor the food going into my mouth and since I am unable to eat as much, I want the food that I DO choose to eat to be wonderful. Something extra special. Before surgery, I loved eating. Now, I love food.

Its not just the end result that I enjoy about cooking, its the actual act of preparing and then cooking the food that I really love too. I like shopping for the food; picking out the perfect tomato, the greenest zucchini and so on. Its hard to describe the joy I get just from going to a farmers market and specialty food & cooking shops. Im like a kid in a candy store. Then I really love chopping, slicing, dicing, peeling, browning, sautéing, caramelizing etc, etc... I love the sound of meat sizzling in a pan, grinding pepper in a mill over a beautiful piece of salmon, scraping up the "brown bits", and then laying it all out on a plate for my loved ones to enjoy. By the way, here is a tip, if you are ever told to "scrape up the brown bits from the bottom of the pan"... its probably gonna be a really yummy recipe.

I love to watch other people cook too. I practically worship Ina Garten and her show Barefoot Contessa. She was the first person/show that really got me into cooking things that were a little more intense that I had ever done. And after making several of her recipes and watching my husband practically die and go to food heaven, I realized that Im a pretty damn good cook... if I may say so myself. I DVR cooking shows of all sorts and watch them when I get the TV to myself, which isn't very often.

Now, I would like to say, first, that I have NEVER claimed to be an original person with original ideas. Usually, I just find something that someone else has said or done, that I like, and use that. What can I say... Im a copy-cat. Hey, give me a break! I have three kids. I have NO time to be original!
So, after watching the awesome movie Julie & Julia about 2 million times, I have decided that I am going to challenge myself while also allowing myself to start really enjoying my true hobby; food and cooking it. I am going to start cooking something out of Julia Child's book, Mastering The Art of French Cooking, at least once a month (or more if I feel like it). Unlike Julie, I am not wanting to cook every single recipe in the book but I do want to really start challenging my ability to cook some very beautiful, delicious, and yet difficult recipes and I figured this would be the perfect book to start with.

I promise to blog each time I make something and post pictures too. Wish me luck! Oh yea, and Bon Appetite!

What to do?

2010-01-28T12:22:00.000-08:00

Im not sure how else to start this post, other than to say that I am having some serious "God issues". Actually, I have been having God issues for many, many years now but I have been pretty good at ignoring them until now. This post is going to be difficult to write because this is such a HUGE part of me that I have kept quiet for so long and I have so many thoughts about it that I have a tough time just forming sentences to describe them.

I was raised in a very religious household. I went to church from day one and went to private Christian schools until the middle of my 2nd grade year. I was very involved in my church's youth group in Junior High as well as the first 2 years of High School. I was a very strong believer and have very happy, positive memories of those times.

Looking back, its hard for me to say what the exact thing was that lead me away from God and church. I began doing a lot of questioning. I started realizing that many of my personal, ethical, and moral beliefs were very different from those at church (which were basically all of my friends) and my family. I didn't think it was wrong to be a homosexual, I felt that we needed to embrace one and other's differences, I didn't feel like it was a sin to have sex before marriage, and I was pro-choice, and on and on... By the way, those beliefs have not changed.
I tried to hang on to those beliefs and opinions and still go to church and believe in God but it was getting harder and harder to fit in and feel accepted. I was getting the message that I needed to believe exactly what everyone else did and that my beliefs were going against the Bible and God. I tried but just could not change who I was and the thought that what I believed was right.

All my life I was raised to believe that God loved us no matter what. That he created us to be who we were so it just didn't make sense to me that he would not love and accept someone because they felt love for a person of their own gender. I always thought love was such a pure emotion, created by the Lord, and that it couldn't possibly be turned into something that was wrong or a sin. (And let me just clarify that the issue of homosexuality is only ONE issue I have. Its just the one I chose to concentrate on in this post to help make my point. )

Anyway, I eventually started to make friends with other people. I stopped going to church. I started embracing a more "hippy" kind of lifestyle. I began smoking cigarettes and pot. I started ditching classes. I got into the Grateful Dead and began to follow them. I was doing more drugs. And before I knew it, God and I were threw. This is, of course, the very simplified version of what happened. But, none the less, I was no longer a Christian or even a believer of God. I figured that either there was no God or that if there was, he must not be as loving as I was raised to believe and that if that were the case then I didn't want anything to do with him or Christianity. This was not an easy conclusion for me to come to. It came with much emotional pain and a lot of tears. It was an extremely difficult and painful time in my life. Its not something I took lightly at all.

So now, here I am, nearly 16 years later. Im a wife, a mother of 3 boys, and 33 years old. In most ways, I am a completely different person than I ever was before. Most of my friends and family would definitely describe me as liberal but I feel so much more conservative than I ever have before. Im sure being a Mother plays into that a lot. I am the President of my local chapter of the International MOMS Club and I have no desire to run after some rock 'n roll band or smoke any pot and, in fact, the thought of any of my children doing those things totally freaks me out. haa haa Who would have thought?!

But something else has changed too; my desire to know God again. And my desire to raise my children to know God and to have a relationship with him. But I am still finding myself very stuck. I don't know how to go forward. I have no idea where to begin. I have been wanting to go to church for a year now but, yet, I can't seem to get myself to actually go. I freeze. Im afraid.

This is where it gets hard for me to articulate what I am feeling:

1) Over the years I have seen, as well as experienced, people doing hurtful things to others in the name of God and Christianity. I have a very, very hard time with that. It makes it extremely difficult for me to join back in again and call my self a Christian because I don't want to be associated with all of that. I don't want someone to assume I am going to label or dislike them because they are gay and, on the other side of that, I don't want another Christian to assume that I am going to be anti-gay or pro-life etc, etc... just like they might be. I want to be able to feel what I feel and not be made to feel wrong for that and Im not sure there is any church or Christian (for that matter) that is going to accept that about me. I want to be able to worship and enjoy a sermon but am afraid that the minister will make a nasty remark about the President or some other non-conservative group or idea because that will leave me feeling like an outsider and I can just see everyone nodding their heads and clapping their hands while I sit there wondering what the hell Im doing there. I have experienced it before.
I suppose I could just NOT go to church and still try to foster a renewed relation ship with God but I will miss out on the fellowship and feeling of community that I think I might be craving. And I think I would miss out on a lot with out a church home. But I don't know where I can go where I would feel like I belong. Where its OK to be a little different.

2) I want my children to feel like they have the freedom to have a difference of opinion too. I don't want them to feel like they are wrong or a sinner or a bad Christian if they disagree with some of things the church tries to teach them. I don't want them to go through what I did. There is such a big part of me that wishes I never started questioning or thinking differently. Life would have been so much easier if I had just kept on going down that path.
What if one of my sons decides, someday, that he is gay? I do not want him to go through the terrible pain and agony that a man who was raised in a religious household would go through. I want him to know that he will be accepted and LOVED by both his parents AND God. But I don't know any church that would teach them that. I teach my children that everyone is special and worth being loved. That there is nothing wrong with being different. Gay, straight, skinny, fat, ugly, pretty etc, ect... I don't want them to then go to church and have someone teach them something opposite of that. I don't want them to feel like they have to choose between what Mom and Dad teaches them and what the pastor at church teaches them. But I DO want them to experience the fun that I did when it came to Sunday school and youth groups. I made some amazing friends and learned a lot of things about myself. There are a lot of things in my religious upbringing that I loved and that I still cherish today. I would love for my boys to get to experience that.

3) My husband is not a believer and was not raised in a religious family. He is wonderful and I love him more than I can say and I do not want to make him feel like I want him to change but I will admit that this journey may be more difficult because of this. I would love for him to join me but I never want him to feel like I expect it or require it. Will it change us? Will it change our family dynamic?

4) This is one thats gonna piss a lot of you off, Im sure. So, I would just like to apologize now.
Most hard-core Christians annoy the shit out of me! I think they are arrogant. I think they feel that their way is the only way and I couldn't disagree more. I think they are closed minded. A lot of times, I think that they really don't understand God or what he is really trying to teach us. I feel like they take everything the Bible has to say and either 1. take it totally, word for word, literally and/or 2. they twist it around to make their shit seemed justified. I feel like they use God as their scape goat. I cant stand how good things happen because of God but bad things happen because of Satan. I don't like that they don't curse! I happen to like the words shit, fuck, bastard, damn, mother-fucker and so on.... They are some of the most descriptive words I can think of and most of the time they pertain really well to what I am talking about. Haa haa!!!! And many of them act like they have a stick up their butt. They never have fun or drink a little too much wine or laugh at themselves. They always feel like they have to act perfectly and I am so over that. I am done with making myself feel like that. I cant go back to any of that stuff.

So there ya go. Im super stuck and I don't know how to shake all this off and give it another go. Am I over thinking it all? Do I just pick any ol' church and show up? What?

My New Years Resolutions

2009-12-30T19:22:00.000-08:00

1. Make more of an effort to enjoy being home with my children.
When Jack was a baby, I continued working until he was 2 years old and it was very painful for me, and I truly believe it was painful for Jack too. I was desperate, every day, to quit my job (that I felt zero loyalty for) so I could stay home with my sweet Jack. I never finished college and had no real aspirations to do anything else with my life but to be a stay-at-home-Mom to my children. My Mom stayed home with us (thankfully) and it was always something I wanted to do as well. Well, I have been at home with my kids for over 4 years now. In that time I have had 2 more boys. Its a million times more work than when it was just Jack and it takes a lot out of me. I dont get any sleep, I am always breaking up arguments between the kids, they follow me around everywhere crying, they stand out side the bathroom door screaming, they pee and poop all over me, they make a crap load of dirty clothes and dishes, the list goes on and on, BUT.... I love them with all my heart. They make me so proud, so happy, so full. I need to remember how very lucky I am that I am able to stay home with them. I am blessed that I dont have to drop them off at day care while they scream for Mommy and God knows what goes on with them all day because they are too young to tell me. Im lucky to get hugs and kisses all day long from the sweetest little boys on the planet. They are not a burden. They are my children who mean more to me than words can even describe. Staying at home with them is a blessing and I will make a much greater effort to remember that when I am having a rough day and my head is about to explode.

2. Be more thankful for my Husband.
Come this February, Paymaan and I will have been a couple for 13 years. I was 18 years old when we met. We have known each other since we were "babies". Its hard, after all that time to not take him for granted. To just figure that he will be here forever and no matter what is normal... but it shouldn't be. I need to remember that having him in my life is (again) a blessing. I knew when I met him that he was the man I wanted to marry and I pursued the hell out of him so I need to remember that I need to KEEP on pursuing the hell out of. He should feel special. He is an amazing provider. He works hard to make sure this family has everything we need and most of what we want as well. He has very heavy weights of the world weighing him down and I want him to feel like I am here to help him feel better and that we are a team. I want him to know, everyday, that he is loved by his wife with all her heart. Marriage is hard, its really hard when you have 3 kids, is super hard when you have 3 kids and 2 mortgages, its insanely hard when you have all those things and only one income, its RIDICULOUS when you have all that and then life gets in the way. I want to try hard each and every day to make my marriage a major priority. I want to grow old with Paymaan and want him to WANT to grow old with me.

3. Lose 65 pounds.
I know, I know, this one is totally obvious and no big surprise. But I really want to mean it this time. I have Weight Watchers online and a membership to an awesome gym so there should be no excuse or reasons why I cant accomplish this very important goal this year. This will be news to my sweet, sweet Husband, but I have promised myself that if I can do this than I will take the plunge and have a major plastic surgery that I have been wanting and needing; to have the very large amount of hanging skin that is weighing me down around my gut taken off. My body would be completely different without it and I KNOW that I would feel 100% better without it there. Im sick of it following me everywhere I go, making me feel like total gross shit ALL THE TIME. It affects me in so many ways and Im DONE. I will Care Credit it if I have to. But none of it will be worth it if I dont slim down to the weight I was when I was at goal weight after surgery.

4. Be Positive.
I tend to be a glass half empty type of person and I want to change that. I have 3 gorgeous boys who are healthy and always have been, a husband who loves me and supports me in all I do, parents that are and have always been there for me no matter what I may need, and really great friends who love for who I am. So why the hell am I always so negative in my head? There is no reason NOT be a positive person. I have so much good things going for me. This year I will try hard to remember that when my first instinct tells me to be negative and bitchy.

5. Take it one day at a time.
It seems that so much of this past decade was never actually lived in the here and now. I was always 2, 3, or even 4 steps ahead. Always worried about what was next and never actually thinking about TODAY. This affects me, my husband, and my boys. I want to wake up in the morning and be concerned about the day ahead of me and thats it. I don't want to be in my death bed and feel like I never actually got to live my life because I was always thinking about tomorrow. I need to keep that awesome movie, Dead Poets Society, in my mind... Carpe Diem!

The Constant Struggle

2009-12-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

Before.... weighing in at a whopping 365 lbs.

And after... weighing in at about 165 lbs.

And now...

I am having a really tough time, AGAIN, with controlling my weight and my ability to NOT eat. I was doing so damn good for such a long time but the demon is back again and its just killing me. I have been on some sort of diet (whether or not it was my decision) since I was 8 years old. I have had many successes and even more failures. I know what its like to be really, really heavy. I know what its like to not be able to find my size even in a plus size clothing store, to be totally ashamed and embarrassed of myself and my every move while in public. I know what its like to be ridiculed and teased and sent away crying all because of my size. Its terrible. Im afraid much of who I am is based upon most of those types of experiences.

I also know what its like to be thin. To be able to walk into any store and find something beautiful in my size. To feel confident and walk with my head held high. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and actually be happy with what's looking back at me. I know what its like to NOT be the biggest woman in the room. Its wonderful. Its just as good as everyone says it is... its why millions of people spend millions of dollars on diets and plastic surgery every year.

But here I am, stuck somewhere in the middle, and its driving me crazy. Am I just destined to always be a "big girl"? Is that who I am and I am just wasting my time, energy, and emotions trying to be the thin girl that doesn't really exist? Should I just give up the fight and accept who I really am and just learn to be happy being big? Or do I, once again, jump on the wagon and count the calories and go to the gym 5 times a week so that I can be thin? Is it possible for me to be happy and weigh 210 pounds?

Well, considering this is something I have been doing for 25 years, my guess is that I am NOT able to just let it be and accept being the big girl. But why not? Who really cares, right? Paymaan still thinks Im beautiful and sexy and is always telling me so and my friends are STILL my friends no matter what size I am... so WTF????!!!!!

So, after avoiding the scale sitting on my bathroom floor for almost 2 months, I decided to weigh myself Monday morning and was VERY, VERY upset with the numbers that appeared before me. The very first thoughts that ran through my head were ENOUGH! This has got to stop! Starting right here and right now I have got to quit being "lazy Annie" again and get my ass in gear and lose some serious weight because, before I know it, I am going to weigh as much as I did the day they rolled me into the operating room for my gastric bypass. And, something tells me, if I were to ever allow that to happen I would NEVER forgive myself and I am afraid I would fall into a very deep depression.

Im on day three now of my Weight Watchers diet. Im doing really well but I must admit that I am skeptical. I just wonder, at what point, will my will power disappear and I just start eating whatever the hell I want again?

O'ahu Family Vacation

2009-12-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

SUNSET BEACH, O'AHU
This is where we stayed. It was a cute little town.

So my family just got back from an amazing trip to the North Shore of O'ahu in the Hawaiian islands. It was sort of a "Family Reunion" because, not only was it me and my little family, but it was my parents (who paid for the WHOLE THING), both my brothers, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my two nieces. We left on Wednesday, November the 18th, and returned on Wednesday the 25th. It was 7 days of pure heaven, and I'm not just saying that. It could NOT have been a more perfect family vacation.

If you don't know me very well, you may not be aware of some of my MANY "issues". One of them is anxiety and another is just plain ol' freaking out about everything. By Tuesday, the 17th (day before the trip), I was nearly in tears because I was so nervous about the plain ride there. Over 5 hours in a SERIOUSLY confined space with me, my husband, and my three small children. The thoughts running through my head were becoming nothing short of ridiculous. I had, basically, decided that I didn't want to go anymore. Not only would the plane ride KILL me but then I was convinced nobody would sleep while we were there, nobody would eat the food, and they would all drive me crazy every waking moment.

Let me stop here for a moment and explain a little something... Hawaii is like a "Home away from home" place for me. I have been there (many different islands but mainly Maui) so many times that I cant even remember an actual number. To say I love it there would be an understatement. Hawaii is my soul-mate... if that makes any sense. It has a smell... plumeria and salt water. A feeling that makes everything OK again. When I put on a mask and snorkel and put my face under the water EVERYTHING stops. All my worries disappear. Its just me and the fish and the beauty that God created. The people are so nice and relaxed, the weather is warm, humid, and moist. The fish are so colorful and if your lucky you can come eye-to-eye with a Sea Turtle; which I have done on several occasions. Its magical there. I love it. Its been a while since I was last there and NEEDED it. So I was afraid that my kids would, pretty much, ruin it for me.

So Wednesday morning comes and we get the kids up bright and early at 4:30 to make it to LAX in time to catch an 8:30 flight. And let me just say that my children (for over 5 hours) were nearly PERFECT! Its true, the flight could not have been a bigger success. Jack and Charlie sat with my Mom most of the time playing games, coloring, and watching movies. Charlie even took a little nap. And Max sat with me and Paymaan and managed to sleep most of the time and when he was awake he just chilled out and smiled at everyone. It was CRAZY! Im still not quite sure how I lucked out that much.

The "being there" part was even better. I am not exaggerating when I say that everyday was awesome. The house we stayed at, or as Charlie likes to call it; The Beach-house, was gorgeous. It had plenty of room for all of us, an ocean view, and lots of space for the kids to run around and play. We were very comfortable.

We went to the beach everyday and played in the sand and swam and splashed in the warm water. I got Jack to believe that its an actual rule in Hawaii that you MUST go to the beach everyday or you get sent home. We kept the kids so busy that they actually SLEPT through the night most nights... not something that I am used to, unfortunately.

We were near a beach, appropriately called Turtle Beach, where sea turtles are known to hang around and swim real close to the shore and even come up on the sand to nap. We checked it out and, sure enough, we got to see about 5-6 turtles body surfing in the waves near shore. It was beautiful and one of the absolute highlights of the trip.

Playing at the beach with my boys was also something that I really, really enjoyed. Listening to them laugh and watching them have so much fun felt so good. And at the end of the day they were covered in sand and smelled like the ocean and their little bodies were all brown from the sun. It was awesome.

Another thing that was so great about this trip was that, in a way, it was a bit of a family reunion for all of us. My brother Mark and my sister Corrie both live in Jackson, Wyoming and my brother Matt and I live in Corona and Chino. And Matt has just taken a job with Microsoft so he will be moving to Washington in a few short weeks with his famliy. So, its not easy to get us all together and almost never happens that we are all under the same roof for more than a few hours. It was great to be able to be together for a whole week and it was good for the kids to be able to spend time with their Aunts and Uncles. I wish they could see them more often.

The plane ride back was not quite as perfect as the one going there but it was still really good. And we made it home at 1:00 am. It was a long day. I love my house and its always nice being home but when it comes to Hawaii, I always just want to go back. Charlie keeps asking to go to the Beach-house too.

Queen Bee

2009-11-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

So, after much deliberation, I have decided to help out and take over as the President of our M.O.M.S. Club. I had been on the board as the Membership VP. My role was to assist anyone who may be interested in joining the group and I also made sure to collect peoples annual dues ($25). But now, as the President, I am responsible for so much more. It will certainly keep me very busy. The boys keep my super busy, as it is, so it should be interesting to see what sort of effect this will have on things.

To be perfectly honest, I am very excited about it. Its something that I am taking on for myself and even though M.O.M.S. Club has to do with the kids, this is something that I can do that is separate from them.

Its funny to me because I can remember, very clearly, the first time I attended an event with the club when I first moved to Corona. I was so nervous yet so desperate to make some friends for both me and Jack. Now I have 2 more children and many, many wonderful and close relationships with some amazing women. Women I would probably have never met if I had not joined M.O.M.S. Club. And if someone had told me that, in 4 years, I would be the President of the group I would have laughed it off and said no way! But I sort of feel like its the least I can do to repay all the great things that have been done for me and my kids since joining the group.

And, in the mean time, I am on the search for a tiara I can wear because a Queen is not complete with out her crown!!!!

Absolute Exhaustion

2009-10-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

Beat, broken-down, burned out, collapsing, consumed, dead on one's feet, dog-tired, done for, done in, drained, drooping, drowsy, exasperated, faint, fatigued, fed up, finished, haggard, overtaxed, overworked, petered out, played out, pooped, run-down, sick of, sleepy, spent, stale, tuckered out, wasted, worn, worn out.

These would all be the perfect words to describe my current physical, mental, and emotional state.

I am so tired all the time. Im sure the fact that most nights Im awoken by one, two, or even three of my children every few hours doesn't help. But then the days are so packed as well. From the absolute second I wake up in the morning until each of those boys goes to bed at night its like a tornado has grabbed a hold of me and I am just spinning out of control. I try so hard (harder than I should have to) not to be short with the boys or raise my voice out of frustration. However, Im not always able to be as nice and patient as I wish I could be. And so begins the cycle of guilt over being a "bad and mean Mommy'.

Breakfasts, diapers, laundry (washing, folding, & putting away), dishes, vacuuming, mopping, lunch, more diapers, grocery shopping with crying and whining children while onlookers stare at me like I am trying to ruin THEIR day, a crying 14 month old that wants to be held for most of the day, brothers arguing and hitting, putting toys away, planning meals, COOKING those meals, CLEANING up after the meals, hoping my kids will actually EAT the meals, homework (Jack's), baths and so on, and so on, and so on.......... IT NEVER STOPS.....EVER.

And these are just the THINGS. I haven't even mentioned all the worrying. Is Jack doing well at school, does he have good friends, is he happy, is Max eating the right foods, when should Charlie start pre-school, do they feel loved, do I say or do things to screw them up, can we afford enough groceries to feed all of them, can we afford new clothes when they grow out of the ones they have, will they die of the swine flu?????????????? and so on, and so on, and so on.

My feet are nasty and the possibility of going out for a pedicure is out of the question, I get my hair done at Great Clips and I just keep it chopped short so I don't have to do anything to it because I have NO time to keep it looking cute, I never have a chance to read a book, and almost every shirt I own has stains from crap my kids spill on me.

Do you want to know the craziest part.... I did this to myself (with a little help from my husband, of course)! I asked for this life!!!!!!!!!!!!! What in God's name was I thinking?

The Mystery Reader

2009-10-12T12:30:00.000-07:00

I got to be the Mystery Reader in Jack's 1st grade classroom last Friday and it was so much fun! What is a mystery reader, you ask? Well, its the cutest thing that his teacher (Mrs. Morgenstern) thought up:

A parent can volunteer to come into class and read a story. The parent or Mrs. Morgenstern can pick the book. The parent provides 5 clues about them self and the kids then try to guess who's Mom or Dad is coming in to read. The clues start off pretty general so all the kids start out thinking its their parent and then they get more and more specific until it becomes obvious who's parent will be the Mystery Reader.
My clues were:
1) I am a Mom
2) I love going to the beach
3) I have a dog
4) I have 3 sons
5) My oldest son has red hair

Just as they guess who it is, the Reader walks through the door. While I was waiting outside the classroom, I was peaking through the little window on the door and could see all the kids turn and point at Jack. I was sure it was because they got to the clue about the red hair. His whole face was beaming and he gave me the biggest smile as I walked through the door. Seriously.... I got a little misty eyed. They were all sitting on the floor and I sat down on a chair in front of them. They were all smiling and saying hello to me. They could NOT have been more adorable!

So, I held up my book, The Useful Moose, and began to read. They loved it. Its about a little girl who's favorite animal is the moose and she meets three moose who are brothers. They come to stay with her and her family for a while and have lots of cute adventures.

Afterwards, they are allowed about 10 minutes to ask questions about the book but the funny thing was that the questions (regarding the book) only lasted for about a minute. After that they started asking me random questions about all sorts of things and then the questions stopped and the stories began. They started telling me all sorts of totally random stories about themselves, or their parents, or whatever. It was hilarious.

I had such a great time and I could tell Jack was really excited and happy to have his Mom be the Mystery Reader of the week. I cant wait to do it again next quarter.

The Bug Show

2009-10-04T09:44:00.000-07:00

Paymaan and I took all three of the boys to a bug show at the Chino Youth Museum last Friday afternoon. They had so much fun. They got to touch some of the bugs, which they thought was awesome. They had tarantulas, Madagascar hissing roaches, a scorpion, meal worms, crickets, and a millipede to just name a few.

I love watching them discover and experience new things. Their eyes light up and they get so excited. It was a blast!

Max's First Trip To The Beach!

2009-09-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

We took all the boys down to the beach on Sunday and had a great time. This was little Max's first time at the beach. It took him no time at all to run into the water and start to splash. He had no fear of anything. He thought the sand was amazing and looked like a little churro after rolling around in it! And really enjoyed chasing the birds down the beach. We had so much fun.

Posing with Daddy on the shore.

Becoming A Runner

2009-09-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

I belong to a family of skinny people. Most of them come from my Dad's side of the family. They are all extremely tall and, of course, naturally thin. I got the tall gene (thankfully) but when it comes to the naturally thin part... something malfunctioned BIG TIME. I have to work seriously hard just to not be considered obese! And I have only been "thin" a couple, short times in my life. I had gastric bypass surgery nearly 5 years ago. The day I went into surgery, I was at my highest weight of 340 pounds.

I managed to get down to 170 pounds. That is thinest I have ever been.

Just a few months after getting down to my smallest weight, I got pregnant with Charlie. I am proud to say that I only gained about 25 pounds but not proud at all with the fact that I didn't lose a damn pound of it by the time (10 short months later) I got pregnant with Max. I gained another 25 pounds with that pregnancy. So for those of you adding all of this up in your heads.... I am up 50 pounds!!!!!

I am currently working my ass off to lose this 50 pounds of crap! I go to the gym and take weight lifting and strength training classes too. I try really hard to eat right but could do better. The funny thing is, though, is that recently I have found myself focusing on something besides the weight loss; I want to be a runner. Besides coming from a family of evil skinny people, I also belong to a family of people who run!

My Dad has been a runner for as long as I can remember. Then my brother Matt started running too. Matt became the big Cross Country super star in high school and now does trail running. He has even run a 100 mile race where he ran THROUGH THE NIGHT with a bunch of other crazy ass bastards! A typical morning run for my brother Matt is about 35 miles... no kidding. Many of my cousins and some of my Aunts and Uncles run too. They are all insane and the desire for me to be just like them is very, very strong. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me but I want to be a runner too, damn it! I have always wanted to be a runner. Maybe its just my way of wanting to belong and be like the other skinny bitches in my family. I dont know. But after much work and pushing, I have managed to get myself to a point where I can run (on the treadmill) for up to 5 minutes at a time. I huff and puff but not too badly. So Im pretty stoked. Whats even more disturbing is that.... I ENJOY IT. I dont really know why, though.

What is it about running that feels so good? Maybe I will be able to pin point it eventually but as of now I have no idea why I like it so much. I have these crazy dreams (pipe dreams??) of running in a 5K, a 10K, a 1/2 marathon, and maybe even a full marathon some day.

I do have some issues with my knees though that I am trying to work out. Running on the treadmill is great but after a very short distance of running on the pavement, I am HURTIN'! So, I am trying to figure out how to fix this problem.

So, anyway, this is my "New Thing". I wanna be a runner.

Fall Is On The Way

2009-09-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

I know Fall doesn't officially get here until the 22nd but the pumpkins that Jack has been growing at his Mana Vida's house (Paymaan's Mom) were ready for picking and look awesome! And tonight the boys asked to watch Charlie Brown and The Great Pumpkin. And lets not forget the BEST part of the approaching change in season.... Pumpkin Spice Lattes at Starbucks!

~My First Official Post~

2009-09-14T20:53:00.000-07:00

OK, So I have a couple of friends that have blogs. I know its hard to believe but I am a little OCD about checking them all the time for updates. So I started thinking...I decided that me and my family are super interesting people too! I believe that people will rush to their computers each morning and all throughout the day to check my blog for the latest posting. Well, I hope so anyway.

So here goes nothing! Enjoy and thanks for reading.